Change is important when reflecting on love, life, and the mistakes of the past. Otherwise, mistakes are on constant repeat. What’s the point in making them if you don’t learn from them?
My snow globe has been shaken and my control has been taken. I don’t think I like someone else dictating the direction of my life from a passive aggressive place. But then again, I haven’t been given much choice. Since it’s all good stuff, shouldn’t I be okay with the direction and simply not question where the gifts and the blessings are coming from? However… my life simply doesn’t work that way. The fact that positive things are raining down on me, out of nowhere, for no reason at all… especially when I feel I don’t deserve them… it’s something that has me baffled to the point of madness.
I’ve had a lot of conversations with some people who are not nearly as naive and misguided as I. They are people I feel I can trust with my secrets and people I feel have my best intentions at heart. And you know what each of them says to me? QUIT trying to control everything, do the best you can, and just let it happen. Do you think that’s easy for me? Ms. Control freak. Letting go is literally the hardest thing for me. When I say that, it truly is not a joke. I can’t even let go enough to enjoy the good in life. I attribute that to never really feeling like good things come my way without a HUGE storm brewing. Good things have always been a prelude to something awful. This time, I’d love to think it’s different.
As I learn to give more to others, I can understand sometimes how things come back to me the way they do. I’ve always had this belief that you get what you give, and as I stop holding on to my own things so tightly and give my time, give my talents, it all comes back to me. So why I’m surprised that good things are happening, I don’t know. I have a lot in the pot, and I just keep stirring, hoping something delicious will pop out. So, why am i surprised that it may actually be happening? Again, I’d love to think this time, it’s different.
I just know I can’t keep wondering about what’s going on behind the scenes of my life. I have a job that, actually, I really do love… it’s stressful at times and very fast paced… but it’s pretty darn awesome so far. I have a business that is starting to pick up and be… wonderful. I’ve been blessed by the love of people I had forgotten about, that I thought I had hurt to a point of being irreparable, and new, compassionate RIGHT people for me. These people love me for… whatever reason. Maybe they actually just accept me for who and what I am. A little bit crazy, really misguided, but still beautiful in my own way. And that’s pretty darn cool in my book.
Yet, somehow… I know who my angels are. They watch out for me, and fight for me, even when I can’t fight for myself. They speak good things, and talk with each other when they are concerned about me. A family, they truly are. And so I’ll let it all go… for now. Because the purpose is greater than I know. I just don’t have time to figure it all out. So, go with the flow, I must.
Poetry for the day…
Angels awaken, when grief I must face
You all come together in this crazy little place
You’ve saved me from me
When in the dark I can’t see
When I lose all sense of time, self, and space
I want to hold on, put this love in a jar
I want to stay close when I need to go far
You ask me to trust
And in the end I must
Let go to be wherever you are
With a strength I didn’t know I had
So why am I so scared when I should be glad
To know you, to meet you
It’s because I can’t need you
But I find myself relying on the good and the bad
So I just keep on working hard
Until I know what’s in the cards
I’ll shine brightly like you need me to
And I’ll do the things I need to do
And walk the road placed in my path
Not fearing a negative aftermath
Hoping one day, the whole thing will be clear
As I hold you close, and hold you dear
I can’t hold you down, so I let you fly
Not questioning the reasons why
When I question everything, I wonder, I pray
Hoping the truth is revealed in a positive way
Photo… tinkling little bells on the doorway of a close friend’s home…
Song of the day… Mirrors by Justin Timberlake. It just fits. Perfectly.
“Put your hand on the past, I’ll be trying to pull you through. Yesterday is history, tomorrow’s a mystery… I can see you looking back at me… keep your eyes on me. I’m looking right at the other half of me. You were right here all along.”