She’s gaining weight. She wants to sleep all the time or eat all the time. She doesn’t want to be around people. At all. She wants to neglect to exist, wishing and wanting someone to notice she’s just not there, yet afraid of that exact event unfolding. Fear holds her in place. People are mean. Sometimes they are nice, but deep down they are mean.
Disengage, retreat into self.
Sometimes she grabs on to the glimmer of light. And people are granted the gift of her time and attention. There’s a positive spin to her aura and people gravitate there. She is winning and feeling like there is a purpose again.
But then someone else hurts her or something else stings. And again she retreats into the safe and comfortable confines of the known. Inside of there, she can’t be hurt, but then again, as they say, she also can’t be loved. She finds comfort in being unlovable.
Love comes with a price tag, called stepping out of the comfort zone. It hurts to step outside of the comfort zone. Like thousands of needles puncturing the brain, puncturing the heart.
Darkness comes with a price tag, called loneliness and isolation to the point of madness. It hurts to be mad in a world claiming sanity, spewing bigotry and judgment because of the “rightness” of their own point of view. She’s too damn sensitive and doesn’t forgive as easily as everybody else. Pain is a familiar friend.
Diagnose this, put it in a box, give it a medication and the world will balance out again. Depression. Don’t try to get through it in your own way, your own time, girl. Nobody has the time to wait for you to dig out of it again. Here, take this pill, visit people, and get going on life.
She snuggles back into her pillow fort in the dimly lit oasis of solitude she herself has created and ignores her responsibilities, pushes away the things she gave a shit about yesterday. Somehow they always manage just fine without her. Rational thinking and a positive spin are put in the pile of things that simply don’t matter today.
Tomorrow she will beat herself up for wasting the time, for not being or doing what the world expects, but for now, the darkness is comfort, the darkness is friendly, and the darkness expects nothing. Retreat into self.