Yesterday was my birthday. That is my time to reflect on life a bit. What better way to do that, than to read through my old journal entries. Boring, tedious dribble about random life issues. I had no idea what I would be getting into, the type of life I’d have to scrape through to finally get to this point of contentment, of truth within myself. Along the way I found some interesting pieces of poetry and short stories I had started. I’ve gained some perspective on the person I used to be, and I’m just really glad I’m not that girl anymore. However, that girl helped me become the woman I am today. We all stumble up the mountain in our own way.
Fly Away (October 3, 2008)
Letting go of the ones you love
Making them learn how to fly
Searching for answers from up above
But only finding the need to cry
Okay, so I’ve made my own mistakes
And I don’t want you to follow
I wish I had some advice you would take
Instead it’s all a hard pill to swallow
I am a figment of your dispair
You want to fall down on your own
I misinterpret as lack of care
But maybe a small seed is sown
Instead I let go of hurt and hate
I let you learn your own way to fly
Don’t come back at me when it’s too late
For I’ll have no more tears left to cry.
Envy (September 26, 2008)
Keeps rearing it’s ugly head
Envy, green, kicking and screaming
Self confidence becoming dead
Negative, bubbling, boiling, teaming
Loss of love and loss of self
Going no where, in limbo
Blaming me and no one else
Karma’s a whore, a slut, a bimbo
Emotions just below the surface
Impatiently waiting to repeat
Good things dwindle without purpose
Constantly knocking me off my feet
Where do I go in all of hell
When this torment is encouraged
Fighting so hard against the swell
Attacking me like a torrent
Pull me away from this dangerous edge
Where my wrists are cut and bleeding
A vile rage which threatens to hedge
While my common sense is fleeting
Do you dare to take what’s precious to me
Because you can’t go and find your own
Reverse the roles and maybe you’ll see
That your deception is well known
Fighting for love and fighting for life
With these tactics you never will win
Jealousy is a double edged knife
Stabbing you over and over again
Except for Rain (March 14, 2007)
With a child-like glee, I gaze out the front window at the dark, rolling clouds as another roar of thunder shakes the earth. My shoes find themselves flying onto my feet, as I make my way to the front porch, feeling the soft, cool wind caress my skin. I look up. The clouds swirl with dark and light grayish hues bumping into each other, merging and blending. The ground shakes around me with another tremor. It shakes me, like a snow globe, loosening all of the pieces inside of me. I close my eyes and feel the bolt of lightning shoot through the earth. And all is well… around me. Except for rain.
Abandoned Hopes (May 20, 2008)
One Day I will pee the 100th stick and it will have 2 lines instead of one
And that one day will change my days forever.
One Day I will not be upset that I have to puke in the toilet when I wake up
And I will gladly do that in order to know I will have you.
One Day I will happily sweat through the hot summer months with swollen feet
Because I know one day I will happily walk around with you in my arms.
One Day I will feel the pain of you kicking me in the ribs and stomach
But it will be worth it to know you will be healthy and active.
One Day I will be feeling labor pains- the worst pain of my life
And it will be worth it to finally feel you in my arms
One Day I will see the look on your daddy’s face as he holds you for the first time
And that one day will change my days forever.
One Day God spoke to me and told me that that one day would have to wait
And I cried and asked him why
That day God told me he was waiting to give me the chance to be ready
Because he was going to bless me with the perfect little miracle
That would change my days forever.
And so now I wait as God would have me do, some days patiently, some days not so much- because I want to feel your first movement and I want to experience you growing and I want to hold you in my arms.
And when the pain is so hard to bear because so many around me are surrounded with God’s glow
I think back on God’s words to me and wait
For that one day- that someday
That will change my days forever.
The above poem is very hard for me to share. At one point I had vain hopes that I may have children. The crazy part about it is, I’ve peed on the 100th stick and had it be positive, and yet I’ve lost my chances to carry a child and be a mother, since I wrote this back in 2008. Oh, how life changes and life grows. The growing is more painful than anybody knows.