a : actually having the reputed or apparent qualities or character
b : actually produced by or proceeding from the alleged source or author
c : sincerely and honestly felt or experienced
d : actual, true
free from hypocrisy or pretense : sincere
I’ve been having this internal battle within myself during moments of what should be quiet thought. Why should I have this inner turmoil, if I am true to what I stand for in all that I say or do? I can think of a few reasons for it and it all boils down to being genuine.
For at least the past 7 months, I’ve questioned the motives of others when I should have been taking the time to question motives within myself. Meditation, normally a quieting sort of friend, has become almost torture and agony as my depressive mind refuses complacency by jogging around the same old battered issues.
Ruminating thoughts plague my mind as I wade through the ending of another dark depression. Due to the fact that I refuse to deal with things in my waking life, my dreams then begin to show me the outcome of the attitude I’ve been taking toward life and wrongs I’ve made within it.
The dreams are sagas of movie-like intensity, well remembered long after vestiges of sunlight pierce through foggy vision. Scenes, filled with action and suspense, drama and romance, are always, always carrying an underlying message that quickly gets to the root of my fears, the root of my pain.
I’ve learned to listen. I’m waking up.
Lately, I’ve encountered so many people who are super fantastic at playing games. It’s gotten to the point where I find myself questioning, constantly, where are all the genuine people? Do they exist or have they all been wiped away by cynicism and pain, hatred or greed? It’s gotten to the point where I’ve shriveled a bit within myself because I’ve seen so much of it lately and it’s sucked the pure energy through a straw which leads directly to my soul.
Through it all, I find myself becoming that which I accuse them of being. I find myself feeding into the conversations of “I absolutely cannot stand (so and so)”, rather than just changing the subject or moving on to something more positive. I find myself feeling miserable for wanting to feed into the thoughts of others that I should take a stand, so I continue to refuse to be a part of everything, of anything that has to do with conflict and irrational drama.
Eventually though, something is going to snap and I can feel it. The tension is an ooze in the air, breathed through the lungs to fill the heart and bloodstream.
I can’t blame anyone for how I react to tension, stress, and pain.
Call it a wake up call, call it a snap back to reality, but recently, I had to acknowledge that, while I was entitled to the pain and the hurt, the statute of limitations has expired on the pity party throwing possibilities. The pain train has to stop. Past transgressions are just that: the past.
I have to let it go.
I found myself venting to two different friends on two different occasions within the last month and had to replay it in my mind. How do I continuously fall into the trap of venting my woes rather than celebrating my successes or needs, again?
I’d realized that I was no longer being genuine to myself. Letting others vent their frustrations is one thing. Joining them and agreeing blindly is another.
I know there are steps to this learning process called life. Nobody is perfect and anybody who claims perfection of thought, process, or ability is not thinking of themselves as human, but above it.
I’m seeking people who are truly genuine, who admit when they could be wrong, stand by their convictions, whatever they may be, but be flexible in a mindset to understand and empathize with the opposite side with respect and honor. Instead, I feel nothing but anger, judgement, and resentment all around me and it starts to become the very thing that fuels me, bringing back old demons, bringing out a side of me I’d long discarded.
The very strength I’d had and the conviction of my own genuine nature was replaced by weakness and complaints without action, yet again. How can I expect genuine people to be genuine with me, when I reflect a spirit of constant animosity over ruminating thoughts of things that happened months ago?
Not only that, but I’d forgotten what it was that I craved out of life. I have certain things I want to focus on and I cannot depend on the approval of others to get those things accomplished in my lifetime, what may be left of it.
As I find my truth all over again, I come to discover that elusive peace which relies on strength to survive. More lessons to be learned. I want to be “free from hypocrisy and pretense: sincere”. I want to actually be genuine in a world where it’s a quality lacking most. Another work in progress.
There’s a statement I’ve heard and practiced time and again. Certain traits within people attract the like.
Where are all the truly genuine people? I’m finding one within myself.
Be genuine. Love what you do for a living. Treat others with the kindness you’ll one day need. Be forgiving, not stupid. Move on and do what feels right, always. Apologize when you’ve been wrong, but not for the sake of your convictions. Work hard. Love hard. Keep learning. Be patient.