Dissociating from the agony, the chaos right in front of me, blurring everything I see with tired, old redundancy
My mind will always choose to fly, no matter how I want to try, no matter what the reasons why, I curl up in a ball to cry
For far too long, I was locked in a cage, I learned to escape irrational rage
By pretending I lived miles away, writing frantically, emphatically, replacing demons on the page
But my mind, at the time, absorbed all the bits- All the terror that surrounded me found a cozy place to sit
It waited for the trigger from an older point of view, the darkness spots were filling in as horrors felt brand new
Now there are nights when I am afraid to go to sleep and moments when I’m overcome by unexpected grief
Hours and days where all I crave is silence to fight these inner battles with solitary violence
Dissociating becomes the most natural thing, that it hurts when I attempt to spread my wings
It’s an arduous, complicated uphill climb, and I have to take life one day at a time.
It’s starting life over, it’s admitting mistakes, it’s not taking personal every time a heart breaks
It’s also loving and laughing and trusting again, It’s learning to heal through the tip of this pen
So sometimes when you catch me staring off in space, know that I’m not likely in this time or in this place
In my head there are pieces, connections being made, images I wish that, with time, would fade
Moments where I’m far from you and further away from me, but to heal the inner damage I’m right where I need to be.
Do they call you mad, unconventional, impractical, scatterbrained, whimsical, or slightly disturbed? Then you’re perfect, because defying the norm is beautiful. Yes, there is beauty in a unique human presence, comfort in the form of individuality amid the ruins of plastic society. So be you, even if that’s broken, even if that’s imperfect. If you want to inspire humanity, let yourself be human.